I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
