remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The adults are the big ones right?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
