normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
