I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
