I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
