sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
