chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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