adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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