I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
