if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
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Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
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i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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