I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize