ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
