Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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