Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
