I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
