i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
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You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The air taste purple.
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