it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
