You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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