totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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