plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
