I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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