apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
