I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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