i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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