you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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