i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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