I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
