My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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