I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
