Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
