She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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