I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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