weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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