Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
