This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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