So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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