Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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