Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
