So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
