I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
