best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
