didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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