I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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