just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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