i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
