We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
