it's too hot outside to masturbate.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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