I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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