He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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