Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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