you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
