i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
