Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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