Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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