I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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