She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Panties = found
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
