first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
please come you make the beer taste better
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
